


messy

by shslduelist (joeri)



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types, Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS
Genre: Drabble, Freeform, Gen, Kinda Prosey Maybe?, Lowercase, POV Second Person, vague soulsaku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-27 06:19:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18190865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joeri/pseuds/shslduelist
Summary: you are soulburner, named not for your order but for your passion.





	messy

you’re a messy thing, you are—you find yourself to be in the moments of reprimand and reproach. in every way that your finger lingers too loosely to the trigger, in how eager you are to put your hands, whole wrists into the fire, no one knows what to do with you. had your parents, before they left?

before _you_ left? not to word it as if it’s your fault (as we all know it isn’t and couldn’t possibly be) but could anyone know? exactly how to take care of a pair of hungry fists.

it’s like a mantra almost the world is trying to sell you that you don’t know the meaning of. it isn’t something your jii-chan’s herbal teas can repair and it won’t be healed by kiku forcing you into perfect downward dog and half moon. it’s a headset and it’s your dead parents and it’s this perpetually burning coal at your core, bleeding blood blacker than cherry pits into all the places where your body hasn’t started to go numb yet.

goddammit, it’s just _anger_. doesn’t everyone have this? this urge to put your fists through wall and put walls through yourself—compartmentalize because it’s all connected and strung together like spaghetti thrown from the pot. it’s hot and it’s _messy_ and so are you and the best you can hope for is a reboot, a start-over.

it’s why you get bangs and glasses. it’s why you bother to put them on and start to think maybe the world would feel better if you could see it clearer. they broke once and you kicked a hole through the kid’s shirt and sat at the back of the class instead of telling anyone you needed help.

_you know what happens when you need help_.

but not this time. not when you can manifest destiny with your own hands, leave home for a new town and find a hero who will save you. it isn’t until you get there that you realize you’ve got to save yourself. what is playmaker but an inspiration? he calms your ire, braves your flames like a demonstration in perfect patience and what can you do but silently fight those fears of abandonment and loss that say you’ve made some critical mistake.

it won’t quite quell until kusanagi-san introduces a second room in his truck, outfitted just for you. it won’t subside just yet until yusaku lets you thumb a dollop of ketchup off his cheek, turning scarlet when you lick it off because it’s the closest your mouths have ever been. it won’t settle completely until… you realize it may never—this knowing that you’ve always been an outlier, a still burning ember in a deserted campsite, stoking itself for nothing and no one, able to warm but finding no use.

all of it is in the learning that you need no use, only life, and this pain, it too is life. and these cups of coffee and runs in between classes and nights spent up all night with the hero you wanted to be, these are just as much proof of homura takeru as your blood, your vomit, your tears, your aching, your electricity running through you that makes you anxious to plug things in, makes you panic beneath the surface when it’s cold and the playground catches static, makes you remember all the ways that you’re not normal and never will be…

but you can only know who you are: a litmus test in courage and in loyalty.

consider that your greatest achievement hasn’t happened yet, and when it has you will no longer need it to know that you’ve shined through the stain glass of a thousand different colors—messy, _yes!_ and also, worthwhile.

does anyone else feel this? this heartbeat you’ve got? can anyone else share in it? is it of use to anyone? is there something that you can do to be a part of the solution, to fix what’s been made wrong and to be someone better?

can anyone else do what you can? questions that you ask that no one else could possibly answer. the answer comes quietly, a whisper from the cherry pits:

you are soulburner, named not for your order but for your passion.

leave clean to somebody else.

**Author's Note:**

> he's a good boy, brent.


End file.
